How to Recognize and Respond to Your Child’s Stress & Anxiety

The State of Youth Mental Health

Recently, Forbes featured a story addressing youth mental health and made the bold statement that, “It appears to be the greatest time in history to be young – and the worst.” From social isolation with COVID-19 to racial and political tensions, our young people are suffering. We need an all-hands-on-deck approach to support our youth.

The Adolescent Brain

Dr. Daniel Siegel, expert in adolescent anxiety, uses a hand model of the brain to help us understand the science of stress. He believes that “if we can see what’s going on in the brain, we can begin to change what the brain does.”

In his model, your thumb represents the limbic system, also known as the “caveman brain.” It contains the amygdala, which houses the fight, flight, or freeze response. This biological stress response was designed to help us in life-threatening situations.

But most of the time, your brain triggers the fight, flight, or freeze response for situations that aren’t actually dangerous. Your brain and body can’t distinguish between imagined or real threats, so the stress response is the same for encountering a saber-toothed tiger and taking a history test. If you perceive something as a threat, your amygdala will sound the alarm.

When your hand is in a fist, your fingers--above your fingernails and below your knuckles--represent the prefrontal cortex, also known as your “thinking brain.” Your thinking brain controls executive skills like problem-solving, decision making, and concentration.

Take your thumb--the limbic system, where the amygdala is--and put it in the middle of your palm, then fold your fingers--the prefrontal cortex--over your thumb.

When you feel calm, your brain acts like a closed fist. Blood flows and your brain communicates in a balanced way. When you’re calm, your heart rate might slow, your breathing might be deep and relaxed, your muscles might be loose, and you’re aware of your body and what’s going on around you.

When you feel stressed or anxious, your fingers go up and you “flip your lid.” Under stress, you lose your thinking brain due to decreased blood flow to the prefrontal cortex, so your caveman brain is in control. When you are in the fight/flight/freeze response, your heart rate increases, your breathing is shallow, and your muscles are tense.

Adolescents are predisposed to “flip their lids” more often because their brains are not fully developed. With increased practice in techniques, such as Mindfulness & Positive Psychology, adolescents become more attuned to their emotions and are in a better position to tame their stress.

What Caregivers Can Do

1) Be a co-regulator

The #1 way any of us can help adolescents is by serving as a calm, grounded regulator. This process is called co-regulation which is the supportive and interactive process between caring adults and children, youth, or young adults that fosters self-regulation development.

Co-regulation is the way that the nervous system of one individual influences the nervous system of another. Essentially, your nervous system meets my nervous system, and a new nervous system is created between us. The better we can soothe our young people when they are agitated, or support them when they are low, the better they ‘absorb’ how to do this for themselves.

In my TEDx talk, I share how having adults that modeled calm when I felt anxious transformed my experience with anxiety.

Some ways to foster co-regulation are:

• Notice your body when you’re engaging with a child that is having difficulty (Am I tense? What is my facial expression? Try softening your body and breathing deeply in that moment.)

• Set an intention of how you want to interact with your young person during those challenging moments (How do I want to act? How do I want my body to feel? What types of thoughts do I want to be thinking?)

2) Practice tools preventively

Outside of moments of challenge, teach and practice tools with your child. You can make it a routine: before school, y’all use HeadSpace and play a mindfulness meditation or try listing gratitudes at the end of the day around the dinner table. You can learn more of our tools from our #tools4toughtimes campaign here or our instagram page.